BASCH SMASH!
by SpiritFoxx
Summary: Pure crack made up by Okami, posted with her permission because it's hilarious as hell. READ IT. please? You don't even have to review, just read the short crack! please?


Basch SMASH

An FF12 Short based off of my stupid retarded thoughts while playing the game. Kinda. Most of it just came from the lack of sleep at 4 in the morning and sheer stupidity. LOL. ^_^ 

I'll get you caught up on the location and statistics of this story…

Location: The Dalmasca Estersand, Yardang Labyrinth, a roughly LV. 4 area…

Party Members: Basch (weapon: Iron Hammer) is party leader… LV. 27

Penelo (weapon: Ashura) is playing crying because a Cockatrice just knocked over her block tower… LV. 27

Ashe (weapon: Lohengrin) is furiously blogging about how she is not another Yuna (it's nice for her to have a dream, right?)… LV. 27

Non-Party members and What the Authoress/Gamer says they're doing(?):

Vaan (Weapon: Demonslayer) is currently with Judge Ghis, who he thinks is Reks's soul in armor, looking for Philosopher's Stone. LV. 28

Balthier (Weapon: Flametongue) is currently furiously making out with the Authoress/Gamer in the back of the Strahl (PHHSSSHTT… She wishes… Ø.Ø)) LV. 28

Fran (weapon: Loxley Bow) is currently being worshipped and sacrificed plungers to by the bunnies from Rayman Raving Rabbits--all of them are hoping to get their *cough* plunger in the toilet… LV. 28

((All 6 Characters have a Golden Amulet equipped and sadly Larsa is not there because gamer/authoress got stupidly used to him doing all the healing for her and now she's just screwed--plus, he just rocks… *wails* COOOOME BACK LAAAAARSAAA!!))

Reason For Being There: _**REALLY**_ needing money to update gear, licenses, technicks, magicks, Gambits, so on. And just spent all money on Hunter's Monograph because they're really expensive and stupid that way… *grumbles* Oh, and the LP…

Why all that really matters: *Shrug*

It was another hot, dry day in Dalmasca. Why anyone would be out of their minds enough to live there all the time, let alone even bother trying to take it over, is far beyond the Authoress's understanding. She thinks it would be a nice vacation spot. Nothing more.

Peaceful, happy classical music is playing as the screen pans down to reveal a Seeq screaming and running for its fat worthless life--yes, Balthier, quite right, as he just said, 'Run, Hamshanks, run!'--from a Wild Saurian as Imperial soldiers watch from the cliff above in lawn chairs, laughing and using slingshots to try to cause that fatal distraction.

_**ANYWAY…**_

The view pans towards the right just as a scream of pain rings out and blood splatters on the screen. "Aw, dammit!" The Author proclaims and immediately a horde of Moogles comes and uses their pompoms to clean it up. However, one of them gets over-enthusiastic and accidentally rips it, antenna and all, right out of his skull. Miraculously, his brain is at the other end and there is no blood or gaping hole.

All the other moogles all point and start screaming, a few fainting then and there into the waiting maws of the Wolves prowling the area. The rest continue to merely scream and point for a good ten minutes until the moogle in question realizes what the hell they're going on about--then he also screams and points--and drops it to the ground with a SQUEALCH, the pom-pom boinging about like a car antenna ball.

How he has survived with his brain outside of his skull this long, we will never know. Then he suddenly pauses, and starts speaking perfect French seconds before he dies, falling to the ground on top of his brain and splattering it onto the few remaining moogles--who are _**still**_ pointing and screaming. They do not stop even as the Imperial Soldiers capture them and start throwing them at the Wild Saurian, who had gotten food poisoning from the Seeq and was dying, trying to coax it to eat the--still screaming and pointing--Moogles now out of boredom.

Because the Authoress can't really picture there being anything interesting to do in that giant dust ball of a city. Ahem…

_**ANYWAY…**_ The screen, now clean, moves to the right again just as a mother Cactaur is speaking to her young son, Timmy, who's going to walk all by himself to his first day of preschool. He's as pleased as a pickle, despite being a cactus. But same difference. "Now, Timmy, stay away from humans. They will kill you and pluck your needles out and eat your Succulent Fruit"--Timmy covers his crotch instinctively--"before they leave your corpse behind." She warns, wagging a needle at him like a finger.

"Oh, mother! You're over-reacting! Nothing of the sort will happen--humans have no need to harm me!" was the reply as he waddled off with his little backpack and one of those little colorful hats with the little spinney things on top. To add to the effect, we'll have him hold a balloon. He's as happy as a lark, and he's just a block away from Cactaur Preschool before a shadow looms over him from behind. He never saw it coming.

BAM!! SPLAAAAAAT!! Juices go flying everywhere as needles rain on the ground in front of the pile of goo that was Timmy moments ago. Basch's iron hammer raises out of the goo and he collects the needles, eats the fruit, and starts walking away, munching. Suddenly a blue line went from his forehead to a nearby Cockatrice. It was on its way to the grocery store to get some medicine for its sick mother.

Immediately a maniacal gleam enters his eye as he lifts it and dashes over. It had barely unrolled to check its map when the hammer came down on its skull, sending brain mush everywhere before it crumpled into a pile. Basch lifts the hammer and starts laughing maniacally, and roars gleefully as another blue line goes to a new poor bastard that will never see it coming.

As he runs back and forth in the background, Penelo is still crying over her blocks as Ashe is still blogging furiously. "…Hey, I just gained 4 LP…" Penelo blinks. "Whatever--I DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT SISSY!! AND I'M A BITCH TO TOP IT OFF!!" Ashe shrieks at the scream, a vein in her temple bulging. Penelo backs away as Basch makes another dash by in the background, his tongue hanging out and drool running down his face with blood splatter, eyes crossed from his mad delirium as he raises his hammer over his head.

Out of view he goes. The screen follows him to where he's found the Wild Saurian corpse and promptly begins smashing it into dinosaur goo as the Imperial Soldiers up above fling popcorn at him despite the fact that he _**is**_ a wanted criminal in their country. But they're just stupid that way.

When he's done with the Saurian, he promptly plays whack-a-moogle with the _**still**_ screaming and pointing moogles. Not even the pom-poms were spared. Then he looked at the cliff with the soldiers--who all screamed like little girls and started running for their lives--right off the side of the other cliff and hit the ground.

A flurry of insane rabid hammer-blows began to rain upon them as _**"BASCH SMASH!!" **_echoed through over the quiet desert canyons…

"Hey, guys, how was the hunt?" Balthier looks out of the closet in the back of the Strahl blandly. "It was dumb. Stupid fan people!" Ashe promptly throws down her laptop and smashes it to bits. Penelo walks in, "A MEAN COCKATRICE KNOCKED OVER MY BLOCKS!!" She wails, having a full-out kiddy-fit on the floor.

Basch walks in. He's calm, and there's no sign of saliva or blood on him. "…It could have been a little more eventful. Maybe next time I'll have someone cast berserk on me." He shrugs and sits, daintily taking a sip of tea. "Well, Fran's in back with her new cult of plunger-wielding rabbits, Vaan's ran off, and--yes, yes, I'm _**coming**_--don't be impatient." Balthier looks back into the closet, "Have a nice day." The door slams shut.

Ashe takes Penelo out for candy to get her to calm down, and Basch is sitting there drinking tea. Vaan bursts in. "BASCH!! I FOUND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE!! NOW I CAN RETURN REKS BACK TO HIS BODY--" He began. "Um--" The judge pulls of his helm blandly and looks at him. "GET OUT OF MY BROTHER!!" Vaan tackles him out, wailing, "YOU'RE RAPING HIIIIIIM!!" Silence.

Soon after, the Raving Rabids, all having been spurned decided to go rape all the Happy Bunnies in the Giza Plains, wandered out. A few looked into the closet, eyes bugging out, "OOOOH--" Before well-aimed bullets sent them flying back in showers of blood. "Privacy, _**please**_." Balthier snaps, slamming the door shut again.

Immediately the disappointed insane bunnies start to shuffle out--that's when Basch sees them. He stops mid-drink of tea. They all stare at him stupidly, mouths gaping. His eyebrow twitches--then his eyes twitch and he lunges, hammer out. _**"BASCH SMASH!!!!!!!!"**_

_**~~~END~~~**_


End file.
